My Silence Pain

osh. The One. He’s my everything, my sole of existence, the reason my heart beats, the reason I have not yet given up. He knows how I feel about him, but he doesn’t care. These past few months, I’ve been left feeling empty and alone. I’m scared to try and talk to him again, I’m scared that he’ll just walk away and leave me there. I’m scared to just watch him walk away, because if he walked away from me for the second time, I know that I will fall to pieces and my life will shatter.

During these twelve years of my life, I have learnt a lot of things. I realized that you are in charge of your own life, only you can decide where you’re going in life. I realized that one moment could change everything, and one instant moment could leave you with a heartache forever and in the end, even your best friend could turn out to be your worst enemy.

He was – still is – amazing and words can’t describe him. We could talk for hours and hours and hours, long into the night and we talked about EVERYTHING. He had everything I look for in a guy and so much more, he was the one person I actually trusted. Then, on Wednesday 12th May 2010 we met properly face-to-face. And, to be honest, I wasn’t actually prepared…but hey, it’s done.

What happened was that I wrote Josh a letter, and since I knew what he looked like I could’ve just given it to him myself but I guess I was just a little bit scared so a friend of a friend to deliver it to him, and Josh was standing by the Dance Studio with a few of his friends. And, then I watched as that friend (whose name is Christian) gave him the letter. As I turned back on them, I noticed that all my so-called friends were walking towards him and let me tell you, that is NOT a good thing. They made my life a living Hell, and yeah, they’re my friends but they don’t act like it. Anyways, a few things happened and when I noticed that one of Josh’s friends was talking to Leanne (whom was my ‘friend’), I just walked towards them and asked her if she was Sarah and she replied by saying yes and asked if I was Sumaiya, so I said yes. And, then without any kind of warning she grabbed me by the arm and took me towards Josh’s direction and said to him “I found her,” He just looked at me wordlessly and Sarah said that all three of us needed to talk and, ohmygod…my heart was thumping against my chest so loudly. Though, those friends of mine kept on following so Sarah and Josh just wandered off.

Though, Sarah, Josh and I did talk after school. However, it was only Sarah and I that did the talking. Some weeks past, everything was normal and the same as before except the fact that my so-called friends and half of my class tormented me and teased me about Josh, but I just shrugged their comments off as if it were nothing though some of the things they said really hurt me. But, the one thing that really mattered was that the conversations that I had with Josh which just got shorter and shorter day by day, and before it was both of us that started the conversations…but now it was just me. Though, I still could talk to him more than anyone else. Everything was just going on as normal, and then the summer holidays came.

That holiday was actually going great, until Friday 16th July 2010. What happened was that my friend, Leanne tagged me in her status saying that I should upload a picture of myself on Facebook and Josh commented on it and I can’t remember what he said, but it was sweet and then somehow he must’ve said something to offend Leanne and because I didn’t back her up or say ANYTHING she said that I was choosing him over her and whatnot. Then, I totally lost all of my ‘friends’ but it didn’t matter that much because I had Josh or so I thought.

On Monday 19th July 2010, we (Josh and I that is) were just talking, then he said that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me, he actually couldn’t care less whether I died and he also said that the only reason I said that I am in love with him is because of popularity and other really hurtful things. The words he said then were so harsh and I tried telling myself that it didn’t matter because he was just a guy. But, it was too late. Tears were already streaming down my cheeks and I could do nothing, other than cry. 

Josh taught me to look beyond the pain and live for the moment. He taught me how to be strong, he taught me to make every moment of my life so beautiful that it will be worth remembering forever. He was – and still is – my prince on white horseback.

It was Monday 1st November at seven ten p.m. that he officially ended all contact between us. Ever since then, I’ve felt empty and like I was dying. I feel that this pain is something worse than death itself and I always cry myself to sleep. Though, in the morning I have to act as if everything is okay when its not and nobody notices. I don’t know if I will ever have Josh back in my life, and I don’t even know when we fell apart. Sometimes, when I’m lying in bed, I wonder: Do I ever cross his mind? Does he ever wonder how I am? We had a bond that I thought would never break, but it did. Without him, there’s a hole in my heart and I’m falling apart. I once thought I could get over him, but I can’t and I miss him more each day.

Some days, it all just gets too much and I don’t know how I’m going to cope anymore, when he left my life, I felt as if I’ve been stabbed in the back, and the knife just keeps going in deeper and deeper. Twisting and tearing away at my insides, and I bleed internally. I thought that we’d last forever and always, he was my serenity. Josh took away the bad days, he made my smile real. Whenever I felt like giving up, he was always there to help me … but he’s not here anymore. Everyday, whenever I see him, I think: “You don’t know how much I care.” Even though Josh knows that I love him, he DOESN’T know that I would give up everything for him. He can look into the deepest depths of my soul, but he will never, ever be able to see that I love him more than my own life.

People keep saying, “Get over him, he isn’t worth it.” But what they don’t understand is that I tried to stop loving many times, but I simply cannot forget or stop loving him. They say he isn’t worth it? But he is. He is worth everything and more. Once, a few ‘friends’ of mine were threatening to beat him up, just because they FELT like it. Though, in the end, they didn’t. ‘Cause the teachers found out.

cried myself to sleep every night since then and…I couldn’t take it. Then, somehow five days later we started to talk again and he said that he never meant those words; he said that he wasn’t thinking properly and…Everything was okay again. I forgave him, and we started again. Then, it was almost back to how everything was before when it was all so perfect…and it was all just so amazing.

Then, school started again and then my ‘friends’ started to bully me and torture me on the FIRST day back and…I just didn’t know what to do. So, I just told Josh everything they were doing and for some reason I told him that I needed a counselor, he told me that if I do want one I could get one in school though I have to ask one of the teachers first or something. And, then so many things happened, things that I can’t even bring myself to talk about, but then on Monday 8th November 2017, Josh ended every single thing between us on Facebook. 

Again. But, this time, he did it permanently and that was just killing me because I really loved him – still do – more than life itself and I would give up everything I have just for him. And, what hurt the most was knowing that he’s fine without me and he doesn’t need me in his life, I mean…yes, I want him to be happy but it was just killing me seeing him laugh and smile and joke around as if he didn’t have a care in the world. I felt as if my heart’s been torn apart and it was as if I was dying inside, a slow – a really slow – and painful death.

When he walked away from me, it was as if the sun stopped shining…everything seemed so gray and dark and dull, nothing mattered anymore. He was – and still is – the sole of my existence, the reason my heart beats, the reason I wake up everyday and knowing that he just doesn’t want me in his life anymore was like a knife being plunged into my back, a dagger that’s just going in deeper and the pain so unbearable and so painful I cry out for someone to hear, but no one did. Nobody noticed how I felt, and that hurt but what hurt even more was when Josh walked right past me without once glancing in my direction. I felt as if I’ve just been stabbed, and I felt like crying then but I didn’t. 

A few weeks back, these ‘friends’ of mine were planning to get three Year Seven girls to beat up Kaitlin (Josh’s little sister), and because she didn’t deserve it and what they were planning was wrong and uncalled for, I texted Josh the details and I don’t know what happened but, what I do know is that my ‘friends’ probably got into trouble.

And, Nila may have fallen for Josh as well, but I don’t mind because she’s been a better friend to me than anyone else ever has. But, it just hurts that Josh can’t see how much I love him. It’s just… like the colours of the rainbow are slowly fading and the petals from the roses are dying and falling to the floor. And, the pain just gets worse. I cry out, but it’s useless. Because I learned a long, long time ago to not even bother. Because wherever you are, wherever you go you’re always alone. And, only if you’re one of the lucky ones you find happiness. The pain that is spreading through me is just too much too handle and I just scream. I scream and scream, I call out his name but he can’t hear.

He has blocked out the sound of my calls, is unaware of my pain. It’s as if I am locked in a cage of my own emotions, trapped by love’s minions, the dark fae, who preys on the hurtful emotions of others, images keep flashing through my mind, memories of him laughing, him smiling, the way his hair looked in the light, the way that; when he’s sad, he would fold his arms across his chest, becoming silent. A trait only I and few others realized. Images of him happy, with another person are excruciatingly painful, I feel as though nothing can get worse, but they do, I see the love I feel for him replicated, only to someone else, and my heart feels torn and shattered.

The thing is, nobody actually understands how much I love Josh and they never will. I mean, people are forever saying “Get over him, he isn’t worth it.” And, what they don’t know is that, I try to stop loving him. I really do, but I just simply cannot stop loving him. He has my heart, and I love him. I know that I am only twelve years old, but I do love him. I love him more than my own life, and I would die for him. I would give up everything I have for him, and no matter how many times I say that, it will never be able to truly show how much I cherish him. Josh is my life, my sole of existence, the reason my heart beats, the reason I wake everyday. The only reason I have not yet given up is because Josh taught me to keep fighting, because of him I carry on living through each day. I keep trying, and even when I feel like giving up, I do not.

Josh is the only reason I smile, and laugh. Because of him, I learnt what love truly is and I know that no matter what he does or what he says or what he thinks, I will always love him and nobody and nothing can change my feelings for him. Everybody just keeps saying that I shouldn’t love him, and I know that, but I cannot help it. I love him, and I always will. Before I met Josh, I was just so empty. I had no happiness in me, I always felt alone and nothing mattered, I just wanted to die, I felt as if I had no reason of living anymore, but then I met Josh and I had all the reason of existing. An amazing happiness replaced my sadness, and I smiled. Josh understood what I went through, and he helped me through it all. Because of him, I finally told someone about the sexual abuse that I suffered from for two whole years.

Josh helped me speak up, and because of Josh I am not afraid to try something new. I know that I will take my last breath to say the words “I Love You” to Josh, and I know that I will take a bullet for him, jump in front of a train for him, I know that I would do anything I can and more, just for him. It’s been Four months and Forty-six days now since he ended everything between us, though on the 74th day, I told him that I was sorry for everything Amirah and them lot did to him, for harassing him, for kicking his bag, for bullying and harassing Kaitlin and he said it is okay. We shook hands, and he forgave me, that is all that matters…but, I just don’t know if we can ever go back to how we were before. 

I just wish and hope and dream that we can be friends again, I would wish on a million shooting stars to have him back in my life, to have him smile at me, to read his amazingly sweet words. I miss him more than I though I ever would, and I love him more than I should.

Josh is the most amazing, and special person in the whole world, and I love him more than my own life, and people can’t see how much I love him, they can’t see how amazing he is, they don’t know him. They don’t know him the way I do, they didn’t even bother to try, and they judge him. Those people are my ‘friends’, and that is the biggest joke of all, they think they know everything but they do not. Josh is special to me, and he is my life, they just can’t accept that and they don’t accept him because he has style. The day Josh walked out of my life is the day that he took a piece of my heart. And, he will forever hold that piece of my heart and he will forever be a part of me, no matter what. I know that I must continue on with life, and I shall try to, and one thing that I know and am most certain of is this: I will love Josh until I take my last breath, and even then I will love him. Until the end of humanity, and even after that. My love for Josh is eternal. I Love Josh. Forever And Always.